A woman, entangled in a relationship with a man who claims to be in the process of divorcing his wife, seeks advice from Dear Abby after facing repeated delays and a lack of concrete evidence regarding the divorce’s progress. The reader, identified as “Waiting in the West,” expresses her growing frustration and doubts about her boyfriend’s sincerity and whether she should continue investing in the relationship.
Dear Abby: My boyfriend says he is divorcing his wife but I’m starting to doubt him. I have been with my boyfriend for seven years, and for seven years he has been telling me he is getting a divorce. He sees his wife regularly, and he said they are still living together, but in separate rooms. I asked him to show me the divorce papers, but he says it’s a private matter and he doesn’t want to. I even offered to pay for the divorce lawyer, but he says he wants to handle it himself. I love him very much, but I am starting to wonder if he is telling me the truth. Should I just walk away?
“Waiting in the West” details a seven-year relationship fraught with uncertainty, as her boyfriend continually assures her that his divorce is imminent, yet provides no tangible proof. The man allegedly sees his wife regularly and claims to be living in the same house but in separate rooms. “Waiting in the West” has grown increasingly skeptical, particularly due to his refusal to show her any divorce papers or accept her offer to financially assist with the legal process. Abby’s advice steers towards caution, emphasizing the need for verifiable evidence and suggesting that the reader consider ending the relationship if her boyfriend fails to provide concrete proof of his divorce proceedings.
The Core of the Dilemma
The central issue revolves around trust and the lack of transparency in a long-term relationship. “Waiting in the West” has invested seven years of her life into a partnership based on the promise of a future that hinges on the boyfriend’s divorce. However, his consistent delays and refusal to provide evidence have eroded her trust, leading her to question the very foundation of their relationship.
Abigail Van Buren, known as Dear Abby, addressed the concern acknowledging the reader’s predicament of being caught in a perpetual state of limbo.
Abby’s Counsel: Demand Evidence or Depart
Abby’s response is direct and pragmatic. She advises “Waiting in the West” to issue an ultimatum: either her boyfriend provides concrete proof of the divorce within a reasonable timeframe, or she should end the relationship. Abby highlights the importance of verifiable evidence, emphasizing that words and promises alone are insufficient after seven years of waiting.
“Unless you see proof, you must accept that you are being strung along,” Abby writes. “Because you deserve better, give him a deadline. If he can’t or won’t produce the document, consult an attorney about your legal options and start building a life without him.”
Abby’s advice underscores the importance of self-respect and the need to prioritize one’s own well-being. She suggests that “Waiting in the West” deserves a partner who is honest and transparent, and that she should not continue to invest in a relationship built on uncertainty and potential deception.
The Importance of Verifiable Evidence
The core of Abby’s advice rests on the necessity of verifiable evidence. In legal matters, and particularly in situations involving divorce, documentation is crucial. Divorce papers serve as official proof that the process has begun and is progressing toward finalization. The boyfriend’s refusal to provide such evidence raises significant red flags, suggesting either that the divorce is not actually happening or that he is deliberately concealing information from his girlfriend.
Abby emphasizes that “Waiting in the West” should not rely solely on her boyfriend’s words or assurances. She needs to see tangible proof that the divorce is underway. This could include a copy of the divorce petition filed with the court, correspondence from his attorney, or any other official document related to the legal proceedings.
Exploring Potential Reasons for Delay
While Abby’s advice focuses on the need for evidence, it is also important to consider the potential reasons why the boyfriend might be delaying or avoiding the divorce. Some possible explanations include:
- He is not actually seeking a divorce: The most straightforward explanation is that the boyfriend is not being truthful and has no intention of divorcing his wife. He may be maintaining the relationship with “Waiting in the West” while remaining married, without intending to change his marital status.
- He is ambivalent about the divorce: Even if he has initiated the divorce process, he may be experiencing ambivalence or regret. Divorces can be emotionally challenging, and he may be struggling with the decision to end his marriage.
- He is facing legal or financial obstacles: The divorce process can be complex and time-consuming, particularly if there are significant assets to divide or if the parties cannot agree on the terms of the settlement. He may be facing legal or financial obstacles that are delaying the proceedings.
- He is concerned about the impact on his family: He may be concerned about the impact of the divorce on his children, his extended family, or his social circle. These concerns may be causing him to delay or avoid the divorce.
- He is ashamed or embarrassed: He may be ashamed or embarrassed about the situation and unwilling to share the details of his divorce with “Waiting in the West.”
- He may be experiencing external pressures: His wife may not want the divorce, and he may be trying to navigate her feelings and the pressures she is putting on him to stay married.
Regardless of the reason, the boyfriend’s lack of transparency and his refusal to provide evidence are undermining the trust in the relationship and causing “Waiting in the West” significant emotional distress.
The Emotional Toll of Uncertainty
The emotional toll of waiting for a divorce that may never materialize can be significant. “Waiting in the West” has invested seven years of her life into this relationship, and the uncertainty surrounding the divorce is likely causing her considerable anxiety, stress, and emotional pain.
The constant waiting and the lack of clarity can lead to feelings of:
- Frustration: The repeated delays and the boyfriend’s lack of progress can be incredibly frustrating.
- Anxiety: The uncertainty about the future can lead to anxiety and worry.
- Doubt: The lack of evidence can lead to doubts about the boyfriend’s sincerity and his intentions.
- Resentment: The feeling of being strung along can lead to resentment towards the boyfriend.
- Emotional exhaustion: The constant emotional strain can lead to emotional exhaustion.
- Low self-esteem: Questioning one’s judgment and worthiness of a committed relationship can lead to low self-esteem.
These emotional consequences highlight the importance of addressing the situation directly and seeking resolution.
Consulting an Attorney: Protecting Your Interests
Abby suggests that “Waiting in the West” consult with an attorney to explore her legal options. While she may not have a direct legal claim against her boyfriend in relation to his divorce, an attorney can provide valuable advice and guidance on how to protect her interests.
An attorney can help “Waiting in the West” understand her rights and options, assess the potential risks and benefits of different courses of action, and provide support and advocacy during a difficult time. Consulting an attorney can also provide clarity and empower her to make informed decisions about her future.
Building a Life Without Him: Moving Forward
Abby’s advice also includes the possibility of “Waiting in the West” building a life without her boyfriend. This is a difficult but necessary step if he is unable or unwilling to provide proof of his divorce.
Building a life without him may involve:
- Ending the relationship: This is the most difficult but potentially most liberating step.
- Seeking therapy or counseling: Therapy can help “Waiting in the West” process her emotions, heal from the relationship, and build a stronger sense of self-worth.
- Focusing on personal growth: Engaging in activities that promote personal growth and self-discovery can help her build a more fulfilling life.
- Connecting with friends and family: Spending time with loved ones can provide support and companionship.
- Pursuing new interests and hobbies: Engaging in new activities can help her meet new people and expand her horizons.
- Setting new goals: Setting new goals and working towards them can provide a sense of purpose and direction.
Understanding “Living Separately” While Co-residing
The detail of the boyfriend claiming to “live separately” while residing in the same home as his wife warrants further exploration. While arrangements vary, it’s crucial to understand the legal and emotional nuances. In some jurisdictions, a couple can be considered legally separated while living under the same roof, provided they maintain distinct financial lives, cease conjugal relations, and generally live as if they were not married. However, this situation often presents challenges for establishing separation to the court’s satisfaction. Emotionally, it can be a complex and potentially confusing dynamic for all parties involved, including “Waiting in the West.” This ambiguity underscores the need for verifiable legal documentation to confirm the true status of the marital relationship. The claim of separate living arrangements should not be accepted at face value without substantiating evidence.
The Broader Context: Serial Delayers and Relationship Red Flags
The situation presented by “Waiting in the West” isn’t entirely unique. Many individuals find themselves in relationships where a partner promises a future contingent on ending a previous relationship, only to face perpetual delays. This pattern often points to deeper issues such as commitment phobia, unresolved feelings for the former partner, or a desire to maintain the status quo for personal or financial reasons. Relationship experts often advise caution in such situations, emphasizing the importance of clear communication, realistic expectations, and a willingness to walk away if the promises remain unfulfilled. “Waiting in the West’s” seven-year wait is an unusually long period, amplifying the red flags and highlighting the need for decisive action. The advice from Dear Abby reflects this understanding, prioritizing the reader’s well-being and urging her to demand concrete evidence rather than continuing to accept empty promises.
The Importance of Setting Boundaries and Enforcing Them
Dear Abby’s advice implicitly underscores the importance of setting and enforcing boundaries in relationships. “Waiting in the West” initially lacked clear boundaries, allowing her boyfriend to dictate the terms of their relationship for seven years without demanding accountability. By advising her to issue an ultimatum, Abby encourages her to establish a firm boundary: either he provides proof of the divorce within a specified timeframe, or she will end the relationship. This boundary serves to protect her emotional well-being and assert her right to be treated with respect and honesty. Enforcing this boundary, even if it means ending the relationship, is crucial for maintaining self-respect and preventing further emotional harm. Setting boundaries is not about being controlling; it’s about defining what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship and ensuring that one’s own needs and values are respected.
Beyond the Legal: The Ethical Considerations
While the legal aspects of the situation are important, the ethical considerations should not be overlooked. The boyfriend’s behavior raises questions about his honesty, integrity, and respect for both “Waiting in the West” and his wife. By allegedly leading “Waiting in the West” to believe that he is actively pursuing a divorce while failing to provide evidence, he is engaging in a form of deception that undermines trust and inflicts emotional pain. Similarly, his continued marriage without transparency towards his wife raises ethical concerns about his commitment to his marital vows and his responsibility to be honest with her about his relationship with “Waiting in the West.” Ethical behavior in relationships requires honesty, transparency, and respect for the feelings and rights of all parties involved. The boyfriend’s actions appear to fall short of these ethical standards, further justifying Abby’s advice to demand evidence or depart.
The Role of External Support Systems
During times of relationship turmoil, the importance of external support systems cannot be overstated. “Waiting in the West” should lean on her friends, family, or a therapist for emotional support and guidance. These external sources can provide a fresh perspective, offer encouragement, and help her navigate the complex emotions she is experiencing. Friends and family can remind her of her worth and help her stay strong in the face of uncertainty. A therapist can provide a safe and confidential space to process her feelings, explore her options, and develop coping strategies for dealing with the stress and anxiety associated with the situation. Seeking external support can be instrumental in helping “Waiting in the West” make informed decisions and move forward in a healthy and constructive way.
Potential Long-Term Consequences of Inaction
If “Waiting in the West” continues to accept her boyfriend’s empty promises and fails to take action, she risks facing several long-term consequences. She may continue to waste years of her life waiting for a future that never materializes, missing out on opportunities for genuine happiness and fulfillment. She may also experience a decline in her self-esteem and a growing sense of resentment towards her boyfriend. The prolonged uncertainty and emotional stress can also negatively impact her mental and physical health. Furthermore, she may find it increasingly difficult to trust others in future relationships, carrying the emotional baggage of this experience with her. Taking proactive steps to address the situation, as advised by Dear Abby, is crucial for preventing these potential long-term consequences and reclaiming control over her life.
FAQ Section
1. What specific proof should “Waiting in the West” demand from her boyfriend to verify his divorce?
“Waiting in the West” should request official documentation related to the divorce proceedings. Acceptable forms of proof include:
- A copy of the divorce petition filed with the court, stamped and dated by the clerk.
- Correspondence from his attorney regarding the case, including updates on the progress.
- Court orders or notices related to hearings or deadlines.
- A signed and notarized separation agreement, if applicable.
- The final divorce decree, once it is issued by the court.
She should be wary of any excuses for not providing these documents and insist on seeing original or certified copies. A screenshot or a verbal explanation is not sufficient.
2. What are the potential legal implications for “Waiting in the West” if she continues the relationship without proof of the divorce?
While “Waiting in the West” may not have direct legal claims related to her boyfriend’s divorce, continuing the relationship without proof could have indirect legal implications:
- Palimony claims: In some jurisdictions, a person may be able to make a claim for palimony (financial support after the end of a non-marital relationship) if they have been financially dependent on their partner for a significant period. However, these claims are often difficult to prove, and the existence of a marriage may complicate matters.
- Complicated estate planning: If “Waiting in the West” and her boyfriend were to co-mingle assets or make financial plans together, the lack of a divorce could create complications for estate planning purposes, particularly if her boyfriend were to die before the divorce is finalized.
- Social Security benefits: She would not be eligible for Social Security benefits based on his earnings record unless he legally divorces.
Consulting with an attorney is recommended to fully understand her legal rights and obligations.
3. What steps can “Waiting in the West” take to build a life without her boyfriend if she decides to end the relationship?
Building a life without her boyfriend will require a multi-faceted approach:
- Emotional Healing: Seek therapy or counseling to process her emotions, heal from the relationship, and build self-esteem.
- Social Support: Reconnect with friends and family for support and companionship.
- Personal Growth: Pursue new interests and hobbies to expand her horizons and meet new people.
- Goal Setting: Set new personal and professional goals to provide a sense of purpose and direction.
- Financial Independence: Ensure financial stability by managing her finances responsibly and pursuing career opportunities.
- Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, healthy eating, and relaxation to promote overall well-being.
- New Beginnings: Be open to new relationships and opportunities when she is ready.
4. What are some common red flags to watch out for in relationships where a partner claims to be in the process of divorcing?
Several red flags should raise concerns:
- Lack of transparency: Refusal to provide evidence of the divorce proceedings.
- Constant delays: Repeated excuses for why the divorce is taking longer than expected.
- Vague explanations: Unclear or inconsistent explanations about the status of the divorce.
- Continued contact with the ex-spouse: Excessive or secretive communication with the ex-spouse.
- Emotional unavailability: Difficulty committing emotionally to the new relationship.
- Financial entanglement: Continued financial ties to the ex-spouse.
- Hesitation to introduce the new partner to friends and family: Reluctance to integrate the new partner into their life.
If multiple of these red flags are present, it is crucial to proceed with caution and demand transparency.
5. How can “Waiting in the West” effectively communicate her ultimatum to her boyfriend?
Effective communication is key:
- Choose the right time and place: Select a private and quiet setting where they can talk without distractions.
- Be direct and clear: State her ultimatum clearly and concisely, without ambiguity. “I need to see proof of your divorce by [date]. If you cannot provide this, I will end our relationship.”
- Explain her reasons: Explain why she needs to see proof and how the lack of transparency is affecting her. “I need to see this because I’ve waited seven years, and I deserve to know the truth. The uncertainty is causing me too much pain.”
- Set a realistic deadline: Give him a reasonable timeframe to provide the documentation, but not an open-ended one.
- Remain calm and assertive: Avoid getting emotional or accusatory. Maintain a calm and assertive demeanor.
- Be prepared to follow through: Be prepared to end the relationship if he does not meet her deadline.
- Document the conversation: Keep a record of the conversation, including the date, time, and what was said.
By communicating her ultimatum effectively, “Waiting in the West” can assert her needs and take control of the situation.
